Not remembering your trauma doesn’t invalidate it. And that’s often hard to accept. It’s difficult for us, being so analytical and not being able to rely on our own memory. Instead we’re forced to rely on instincts and gut feelings. Alas, a brain hardwired by trauma means trusting our own body has been a learning process. A hard and sometimes even painful one.
Having traumatic memories but no access to them is one of the hardest yet basic symptoms we have with our dissociative identity disorder. I may not remember parts of our trauma, but my body does. And going through those body memories with no knowledge or context? It can feel like dying. The adrenaline, the hypervigilance, the impending doom. It’s enough to leave me curled up in a ball, sobbing.
I mentioned previously that learning to trust my instincts was difficult, yet I know in my gut what happened to me. I don’t need visual memories as proof when every bone in my body screams the same thing. That my (now ex) best friend, whom I idolized and followed around like a lost puppy, was a horribly abusive person. Someone who turned her hurt and trauma into an excuse to hurt and traumatize others.
The Chronic Typist 