Plans And Answers (plus birthdays!)

I know it has been a long while. I needed a little break and time to adjust to school in full swing. School has been crazy, I’ve had doctors appointments weekly including meeting with my new neurologist and setting up a 504 plan which will be a separate post, and physical therapy in between. Juggling a personal life with multiple friends turning 18 this month has also been another, but much appreciated calendar filler. I also turned 18 this month so I finally got my long awaited tattoo. It is in my grandmother’s handwriting. I opened the birthday card she gave me mere hours before we left for the parlor and had been struggling with what font I wanted. But I knew instantly that the word MORE (as in ‘I love you’, ‘I love you More’ ) written in her gorgeous cursive was what was meant to be. 18thbdaypresent

Now, today I wanted to talk to y’all about prayers and how they came to be answered over the past few years and how I now know that everything in my life has happened for a reason. Answers to prayers can be difficult to hear sometimes. They may come in a whisper and you may be looking so hard for answers then, that you look it over like when your brain deletes a repeat ‘the’ or when you’re doing a word search and you swore that letter ‘t’ wasn’t there before. Other times a whisper may be exactly what you need to hear in your crazy chaotic life and it comes across crystal clear. On occasion there are the magnificent, grandiose moments where you just…know, and you are thankful and you praise His name. And in those same moments, you can go about your day blind, unseeing.

When I had my accident and received my concussion, I struggled quite a bit with answers. Those that have been reading my blog or know me personally can tell I have been through what seems like just about everything imaginable. People often assume I am doing much better now that I am back in school and participating in life more, I sort of am. Mainly because I have adapted amazing coping mechanisms. But before that, I struggled. A lot.

I was frustrated, depressed, irritated, confused and not all of it was from being elbowed in the temple. I think I actually went through the 5 stages of grief. I mean I cleaned my garage out the day after the hit, it was just a mild concussion right? Bam, denial. Then came the anger. At the girl that had hurt me, even though accidently, and at God. How could you let this happen? No answer. Bargaining came next. With my doctors it was ‘If I lay in the dark for 3 days completely, can I use my phone on dim’ or ‘When I do therapy, I’ll take a dance class also’. With God it was I promise I’ll treat my sister better, I’ll be more thoughtful concerning others and then I’d pray for health. No answer. Finally depression set in. I took time off school, some of my friends left not wanting to deal with the difficulties in managing a relationship with the new me. I asked God, Why did this happen? No answer. Why to me? No answer. I was abandoned by everyone I cared for, including the most important one. Or so I thought.

Now I have finally reached the stage of acceptance. I still struggle physically, emotionally, socially, and sometimes need a little reassurance that this was meant to be. But I know in my heart that this was His plan. I look back on those years of confusion, pain, and ultimately a derailment of faith and I see His answers were there all along. I was just so wrapped up in my self that I couldn’t see it.  First off, it was time for me to grow. I needed a catalyst to get the motions rolling. This colossal event, my ‘burning bush moment’ as my youth leader called it, forced me to look in the mirror. I wasn’t sure I loved what I saw so I decided to change that. And to answer the ultimate question, the one most people have when something goes amiss? Because it was supposed to happen to me. Without this life altering event and the discovery of multiple chronic and possible chronic illnesses, I wouldn’t know my purpose and I definitely wouldn’t be sure of who I am. I give thanks and praise to my Lord and God, who has shown me my path and given me a purpose.

Keep your hearts and minds open and you will know when your prayers are answered. Even if they may take time to realize, give thanks and know you are loved.

 

 

Nervous but Excited

School started this past Monday and the week leading up to it was a bit chaotic. My week went a bit like this: School shopping for adorable supplies (this takes forever since I’m very anal about organizational supplies), take a few hour break. Find clothes that are dress code appropriate since I haven’t had one in 2 years, break. Organize backpack and pick out first day of school outfit, break. This made the process last a few days but we did it and I got cute and organized! I’ll admit it’s hard to go back to a school schedule where every hour you’re doing something completely different. It’s annoying to have to be conscious of what I’m going to wear for the day especially since it’s triple digits here. It’s stressful remembering all my teachers names and wear I sit for each class and how to get from 2nd hour to 3rd and from 2nd to 4th instead on block days. But I made it! It’s Saturday and  now I’m relaxing, working on some projects due later next week, and making my best friend her birthday card. My plan of action is to go to the nurse during lunch in which I lay down in the Sick Room, close the door, leave on only the warm colored dim lamp, and rest. This gives me 20 minutes or so of in and out napping and laying flat that helps to reduce my headaches and take some pressure off my neck for a while. My nurse is amazing by the way! She’s kind and helpful and if a situation were to arise where you were being taken advantage of, she’d back you. She has helped me some much these last few years, she even helped me realize what I truly need is an IEP to help protect me when my cognitive functioning isn’t at it’s best.

mri

My neurology appointment was also the week before school started. We talked and decided the best route was to do and EEG and an MRI to cover our bases and for when I transfer to an adult neuro. They are both this Monday and I’ll admit I’m nervous. My suspected sensory processing disorder could be thrown into overload and I could potently have a panic attack and that would not be good. I also have to be running on only 4 hours of sleep for the EEG and I still have to go and function at school. That’s what is really making me anxious. Though I may be able to handle it since me sleep has been declining these past two weeks. I went from waking up occasionally, to waking up 2 or 3 times, now I’m waking up up to 5 times a night. I even had a terrifying sleep paralysis episode. I haven’t had one in a very long time, probably over 6 months. But I feel excited for results and a new plan of action. I’ll write a post once I get the results and once we figure out a new way to handle them if need be. For now I’ll see ya’ll soon!