4 o’clock in the Morning

Whelp, it is indeed 4AM here in Arizona as I sit here typing this out. I didn’t sleep hardly at all, maybe two hours at the most. I had a horrid migraine yesterday and slept most of the morning away. That afternoon though I sorted out some of the insurance kinks with my getting in to see a surgeon.

I’m sorry I haven’t updated you guys about this it was just kinda a lot to take in. OK. On November 7th I had a Metabolic Stress Test performed, these results showed that I am deconditioned (duh). They also showed that I have PVC’s, premature ventricular contractions, (extra heartbeats) that are continuous throughout the exercise period (they also are consistent with my daily living and are showing up on the 30-day Holter monitor I’m currently wearing). Most importantly this stress test showed my symptoms, the fainting, shortness of breath, palpitations, chest pains, racing heart, etc. aren’t all caused by my deconditioned state. Something else is wrong. Right now we are blaming my Pectus Excavatum; the way that my ribs dip inward to create a short of pocket when they meet at my sternum. Now mine’s nowhere near severe as the ones I’ve seen (mostly in Marfan Syndrome peeps), but I’m a lady and well, boobs. They kinda obscure the severity. This is why I’m making an appointment with the surgeon.

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I am calling to schedule an appointment with a surgeon at PCH so that we can discuss what will be the best type of testing and scans to proceed with to decide if I am a good candidate for the Nuss Procedure. We wouldn’t want to do anything unnecessary like say two CT scans mere weeks apart since we didn’t get the right depth the first time. I trust my cardiologist for referring me to the surgery clinic and would much rather keep it in the Hospital than have to go to Banner and possibly need to see Their surgeon, plus Their cardiologist for referral to the surgeon, plus Their primary care for pre-op clearance etc. It’s much better and less stressful to keep it in the PCH family since their records are as easy to pull up as Facebook if your in network.

Onto the Nuss procedure. In laments terms they’d be sliding a bar into my chest through two incisions on the side of my chest, this bar would pull my ribcage out and hold it there for a specific amount of time determined by my surgeon. After that amount of time, the bar would then be removed through one of the same side incisions. My chest would be a normal bell shape and all would be good, my symptoms relived or greatly diminished (since I still have low blood pressure when changing positions and exercising, the procedure would not alleviate the symptoms related to that). It is minimally invasive, I would need an epidural catheter and believe me those look very intimidating. It would be a 7 day hospital stay max if my pain wasn’t easy to control ( I pray that it will be, but my body is a sucker for pain and pain meds don’t always do it for me) And I would be sent home with exercises to do and told to keep my posture near perfect. I’m actually hoping that this procedure would help my posture, I’m thinking it might be causing me to slump and roll my shoulders forward because my chest isn’t out straight and flat.  Who knows, there are many potentially benefits to this procedure, we just have to find out if it’s  a right fit for me.

Plans And Answers (plus birthdays!)

I know it has been a long while. I needed a little break and time to adjust to school in full swing. School has been crazy, I’ve had doctors appointments weekly including meeting with my new neurologist and setting up a 504 plan which will be a separate post, and physical therapy in between. Juggling a personal life with multiple friends turning 18 this month has also been another, but much appreciated calendar filler. I also turned 18 this month so I finally got my long awaited tattoo. It is in my grandmother’s handwriting. I opened the birthday card she gave me mere hours before we left for the parlor and had been struggling with what font I wanted. But I knew instantly that the word MORE (as in ‘I love you’, ‘I love you More’ ) written in her gorgeous cursive was what was meant to be.

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Now, today I wanted to talk to y’all about prayers and how they came to be answered over the past few years and how I now know that everything in my life has happened for a reason. Answers to prayers can be difficult to hear sometimes. They may come in a whisper and you may be looking so hard for answers then, that you look it over like when your brain deletes a repeat ‘the’ or when you’re doing a word search and you swore that letter ‘t’ wasn’t there before. Other times a whisper may be exactly what you need to hear in your crazy chaotic life and it comes across crystal clear. On occasion there are the magnificent, grandiose moments where you just…know, and you are thankful and you praise His name. And in those same moments, you can go about your day blind, unseeing.

When I had my accident and received my concussion, I struggled quite a bit with answers. Those that have been reading my blog or know me personally can tell I have been through what seems like just about everything imaginable. People often assume I am doing much better now that I am back in school and participating in life more, I sort of am. Mainly because I have adapted amazing coping mechanisms. But before that, I struggled. A lot.

I was frustrated, depressed, irritated, confused and not all of it was from being elbowed in the temple. I think I actually went through the 5 stages of grief. I mean I cleaned my garage out the day after the hit, it was just a mild concussion right? Bam, denial. Then came the anger. At the girl that had hurt me, even though accidently, and at God. How could you let this happen? No answer. Bargaining came next. With my doctors it was ‘If I lay in the dark for 3 days completely, can I use my phone on dim’ or ‘When I do therapy, I’ll take a dance class also’. With God it was I promise I’ll treat my sister better, I’ll be more thoughtful concerning others and then I’d pray for health. No answer. Finally depression set in. I took time off school, some of my friends left not wanting to deal with the difficulties in managing a relationship with the new me. I asked God, Why did this happen? No answer. Why to me? No answer. I was abandoned by everyone I cared for, including the most important one. Or so I thought.

Now I have finally reached the stage of acceptance. I still struggle physically, emotionally, socially, and sometimes need a little reassurance that this was meant to be. But I know in my heart that this was His plan. I look back on those years of confusion, pain, and ultimately a derailment of faith and I see His answers were there all along. I was just so wrapped up in my self that I couldn’t see it.  First off, it was time for me to grow. I needed a catalyst to get the motions rolling. This colossal event, my ‘burning bush moment’ as my youth leader called it, forced me to look in the mirror. I wasn’t sure I loved what I saw so I decided to change that. And to answer the ultimate question, the one most people have when something goes amiss? Because it was supposed to happen to me. Without this life altering event and the discovery of multiple chronic and possible chronic illnesses, I wouldn’t know my purpose and I definitely wouldn’t be sure of who I am. I give thanks and praise to my Lord and God, who has shown me my path and given me a purpose.

Keep your hearts and minds open and you will know when your prayers are answered. Even if they may take time to realize, give thanks and know you are loved.